Why is it so hard to be a mom?
Actually why is it so hard for me to be a mom. Let me be clear when I use the word "mom.
I am speaking of Women who abandon all self and carry the burden of each little soul she births. Women who spend countless nights on her knees praying and worrying for each of her children. A mother is many many things and yet I find it so difficult to be any of them.
When my children are grown I want them to see me as devoted, selfless, PATIENT, caring, kind, loving, FUN, faithful, religious, amazing, hard working.
I spend a good majority of my life asking "Why is it so hard for me to be any of those things?"
After an especially trying day I lie here in bed as my husband snores soundly next to me. as if he has not a care in the world. All the while I worry and regret and fear that I ruined my children, I stifled them as my irritation and frustrating boiled over numerous times throughout the day. I lay here and replay my hideous and shameful moments. The moment I yelled at Genevieve because after the 50th time explaining counting backwards from twenty she still didn't get it. Her little innocent face looking into mine as frustration poured out of me. How could I yell at my four year old because she didn't understand my explanation of counting backwards? My heart aches for a redo. A chance to erase the bad and try again.
I replay the moment right before both my children nodded off to sleep. The moment I threatened to take their blankies and everything else they hold dear away if they didn't stop talking and moving their little bodies. I replay this unrecognizable version of myself at my wits end and the ugliness that came out. Tonight the last thing my babies heard before they fell asleep was me yelling and the last thing they did before they went to sleep was cry.
I lay here and guilt sweeps over me like a thick gray cloud. Sitting heavy on my chest. My throat tightens and again frustration boils out of me. This time with myself. Tears slide down my cheeks and prayer seems like the last thing I want to do. I don't want to Admit how horrible I've been to the children my father in heaven in-trusted to me.
It's nights like these nasty thoughts race through my head. Thoughts of inadequacy and failure. Nights like these I worry about the sorrow I would feel if this horrible day was my last or worse their last.
But Here's what horrible days like today teach me: Being a mother is tough, for every mother and each mom faces her own trials and her own demons. In this day and age with social media blaring every perfectly painted picture of everyone's perfect life it's hard not to compare yourself to moms you see through the internet. Questions like "why is being a mom so much harder for me?" arise and "my kids would be better off with anyone other than me". This loud and nagging voice within you tears you down and rips your heart out and is not the truth.
Horrible days teach me that everyday isn't horrible. In fact most days are pretty darn wonderful. Although my faults as a parent happen way more often than I like. I get a second chance. The sun will come out tomorrow and I still have the choice to try again. Make it better and say I'm sorry.
Its in the quiet of my room and in the warmth of my husband after a tough day i remember I am not alone. It is easy to forget amidst the chaos that The Lord is in fact here beside me. If I remember to look to him and ask for help my frustration is a little less. More kind words are spoken, more kisses given and hugs shared. I remember to say small prayers throughout the day to help me use a patient voice or walk away when I've reached my limit. Days like today remind me I can't do it alone. I need Him.
It's hard to admit that I am not a perfect mother, not really even a great mother at that. But with the help of my loving Heavenly Father I can be. Each day as I face my demons and conquer my faults I know without a doubt I am not alone in this. I never was to begin with.
"Struggles are required in order to survive in life, because in order to stand up, you have to know what falling down is like."
All my love to those who are called "mother" it's a difficult job but someday has to get it done. Heres to getting it done in the best way you know how.