Finn. Did it happen? Did my lost boy leave Never Land to grow up? I thought you would always be my sweet baby but its becoming more apparent this isn't so. I don't now why the reality of you growing up hurts so much. I guess it's because I desperately loved your baby years. But as the minutes tick by and with each sunset and sunrise you move further away from the baby that once fit perfectly into the crook of my arm.
Melancholy lays heavily on my chest tonight, it is hard to breath. From the time you were very small I loved to watch your binky bounce up and down with each rhythmic suck, as you methodically tickled your nose, with the same tattered corner of your silk blankie. I loved it because it was so uniquely "you". I loved it because it was such an innocent gesture. I loved it because it defined your babyhood.
It has been months, maybe more, I have thought of taking the binky away. But some how there was always a reason not to. Honestly, I didn't want to. I haven't wanted to say goodbye to this part of your life. I haven't wanted to let go of your "baby-ness." Although time has been telling me otherwise. I didn't want you to be ready. I thought if I kept this small token I would somehow manage to hold on to this phase just a little longer.
Tonight, after the umpteenth time the binky went missing, I finally put you to bed binky-less. I was so frustrated you had lost it AGAIN. I was mad the missing binky was another delay in bedtime but really I was broken hearted it was time to say goodbye... But it was time and you were ready. There wasn't one tear, one fit. You understood the binky was missing, closed your eyes and went to sleep.
I know there are some who could not understand my heartache over such a silly thing, like a binky. But it's not about the binky. It's about you. You are growing up and I'm not sure I'm ready. But like with most things, you and your sister patiently guide the way. I just have to be willing to let you take those first shaky steps alone as you find your wings.
Tonight marks a new part in our journey. Finley you are a "big boy" buddy, I know.